One

I may be way out in left field with this post, but it sometimes seems to me that some parents of children with disabilities seem jealous that their child is not ‘as disabled’ as their friend’s child.

There grows in communities groups of parents who have children with disabilities. These groups may grow out of shared hospital experiences or shared school experiences or maybe just through word of mouth from one family to another. And the adults in the groups come together for support and to share their stories that usually only others in similar situations will understand. More often than not, the children represented by these groups have very similar disabilities – parents of children with deafblindness, parents of children with Down Syndrome, or parents of children with trachs, for example. But what if you are the parent of a child that just doesn’t quite fit the same description of other children in one of the groups? What do you do and where do you find your support?

What I have seen several times is that the parent might slightly exaggerate their child’s disability. Or, the parent will accumulate the trappings (high tech wheelchairs, special vans, etc) that might admit them to their group of choice. They will pattern their daily experiences (“Mary was up four times last night, and I am so exhausted today”), after the others in the group to which they wish to belong. They will adjust their lives to place more focus on their child and that child’s disability if doing so will admit them to the group.

Here’s an example without using real names, of course:

Sue is a young 30-something parent of a little girl with CP. On one of her visits to the hospital, she met another parent, a parent of a child whose survival depends on a trach, tube feeding, and constant suctioning. That other parent talked about her friends, other parents who shared a similar life and who got together regularly for birthday parties, lunches, and other such outings. Sue, feeling a little isolated in her life, exaggerated the level of her daughter’s issues just a bit to wrangle an invitation to the next group meeting. And from there, the exaggerations continued, but she was admitted to the group.

It saddens me that parents might feel a need to do this. It saddens me that we parents of children with disabilities isolate ourselves with others in similar situations just to find the support we need. We talk about inclusion all the time, and all the while, we often unknowingly are excluding.

I know it’s difficult for true inclusion to work, and I know that there are many, many facets to inclusion. I know I may never see it fully bloom in my lifetime, but that doesn’t stop me from dreaming about it. I suggest we try to envision the inclusive world we all desire while at the same time finding the support we need. I fully realize that it is much easier to bond with another parent whose child is on a trach if my child is on a trach. But let’s try setting aside the specifics of disability and concentrate on the specifics of humanity – regardless of ability.

We may not be able to change the world as one, but if each of us makes small inroads, I have to believe that one day the world will change and be universally accepting.

It's a Launch!

Many years ago, I would go shopping or out to a restaurant without a thought about accessibility. I would walk up curbs without thinking about people in wheelchairs. I would get annoyed with store aisles that were so packed with merchandise that I couldn’t find what I wanted. But, it would never occur to me that some people wouldn’t even be able to move around that same store. And like a lot of other people, I would stare at a blind person using a cane, but I wouldn’t ask if I could assist or direct them to the checkout register.

All that changed when I adopted four children, two of whom are in wheelchairs, one who is blind, and one who doesn’t handle too much sensory input very well. Although those adoptions began 14 years ago, I’ve not seen much progress related to accessibility in my community or other communities my family visits.

So I decided to create a website as a way to raise awareness about accessibility and inclusion. My new site is called US TOO PLEASE.



As my children and I travel through our community, I will review the places we visit. I will write about how physically accessible they are – how welcoming they are to people with disabilities – how inclusive a product or service they offer – and whether or not they make reasonable accommodations for people with disabilities.

I do not mean US TOO PLEASE to be an exercise in bashing. I will share the good as well as the not so good, but I will always let each establishment know the results of my review. I will offer to publish any comments they may have, and I will inform them of resources that are available for improving their accessibility and inclusive practices.

My sincere hope is that this endeavor will help to improve my community, as well as all communities, for people with disabilities. I want to leave a legacy of inclusion for my children. I want to make a positive difference in the lives of all people, especially those with disabilities.

Please visit my new site and let me know what you think! And if you have any specific places you would like me to review, just send me an email.

p.s. Having a new website does NOT mean I will devote any less time to this blog - my baby that has allowed me to find my voice, to make special friendships, and to keep me sane! I will still be writing here every Monday through Friday as always!

We Proclaim...

Please take a moment to read the piece below, and then visit the ADAPT blog, Defending Our Freedom. Also, at the end of this piece is a short video about ADAPT.

A DISABLED MANIFESTO
By John R. Woodward, M.S.W. Center for Independent Living of North Florida, Inc

We proclaim that we are born free and equal human beings; that our disabilities are limitations only, and that our identity does not derive from being disabled.

We proclaim that we have the same value as people who are not disabled, and we reject any scheme of labeling or classifying us that encourages people to think of us as having diminished value.

We reject the idea that institutions must be created to"care" for us, and proclaim that these institutions have been used to "manage" us in ways that non-disabled people are not expected to accept. We particularly denounce institutions whose purpose is to punish us for being disabled, or to confine us for the convenience of others.

We reject the notion that we need "experts," to tell ushow to live, especially experts from the able-bodied world. We are not diagnoses in need of a cure or cases to be closed. We are human, with human dreams and ambitions.

We deny that images of disability are appropriatemetaphors for incompetence, stupidity, ugliness or weakness.

We are aware that as people with disabilities, we have been considered objects of charity and we have been considered commodities. We are neither. We reject charitable enterprises that exploit our lifestyle to titillate others, and which propose to establish the rules by which we must live without our participation. We also reject businesses that use us as "warm bodies" to provide a passive market for their services, again laying down rules by which we must live for their profit. We recognize that the lines between charities and businesses are blurred in the disability industry, and we do not accept services from either if their essential function is to exploit us.

We assert our rights of self-determination in the face ofrules, eligibility criteria, regulations, customs, laws or other barriers, and we pledge not to allow any authority or institution to deprive us of our freedom of choice.

Finally, we assert that any service we need, from specialized teaching to personal care, can be provided to us in the community among our non-disabled peers. Segregated institutions are not necessary to serve us, and they have been the greatest source of our oppression, especially when they have been run by able-bodied people without our participation.

All human beings are more alike than we are different. We recognize that when we assert this belief we will find ourselves in conflict with regressive institutions and their supporters, some of whom may be disabled themselves. We do not expect thousands of years of stereotyping to dissipate quickly. We commit ourselves and those who come after us to challenge our oppression on every level until we are allowed to be fully human and assert our individuality ahead of our disability.
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Who is ADAPT?

How To Move Past Hypocrisy

When my family goes anywhere, we usually don’t go quietly or unnoticed. We’re not Kate Plus Eight, but everyone’s attention is usually diverted, at least for a short period, to my family. And, being someone who is more comfortable not being noticed, this situation has been quite an adjustment for me.

For the most part, I’ve moved past caring too much about the stares of strangers when we shop, go to the park, go to the movies, or other community activities. But there is something that still troubles me, and I don’t know what to do about it.

Because I am a single parent, where I go, so go my children. Tonight, a memorial service is being held for the recently deceased mother of one of my co-workers. My co-worker and I have been with the same employer for over 25 years now. I am expected to be present at the service and I want to be present. What I don’t want is for my family procession to take anything away from the decorum of the ceremony. And that’s just one example.

About every two months, all my co-workers get together at a local restaurant for dinner. Families are included, and very often attend. But my family is a little different than most – okay, a lot different. My co-workers don’t understand my children and don’t know how to interact with them. In fact, some are probably uncomfortable around my children.

My children and I should not have to spend our lives only moving in social circles of families like our own. While I love every moment I spend with my friends that have children with disabilities, and I am so grateful for their support, I really don't want to impose limits on my children.

I espouse inclusion to anyone who will listen. But here are situations where I could choose inclusion for my children, and I don’t. I guess that makes me a hypocrite. But how do I move past the uncomfortable feelings for others as well as for my family to get to that state of inclusion?

Coming Home

Because of my school district's lackluster performance at including students with disabilities in extracurricular and general education activities, I had pretty much given up on Ashley ever participating in school dances, PTA performances, or school clubs. In fact, the first and last time I did request that Ashley participate was way back in 2004, and it was a total disaster. That story of Ashley's token acceptance into a holiday school performance was what inspired Jonathan Mooney, author of Short Bus Stories - A Journey Beyond Normal, to include Ashley's story in his book.

So here we are many years later, and maybe, just maybe things are different.

Last Friday was Homecoming at Ashley's high school. There was to be a parade before the football game, and Ashley, along with the Circle of Friends club, was invited to participate in the parade. I agreed that Ash could participate, but deep in the pit of my stomach was a worry that once again tokenism would reign over inclusion.

I was wrong.

Ashley was welcomed - her Circle of Friends regular education students included her just as everyone else - disabled or not - was included - and Ashley had a absolute blast!

She showed up in her wheelchair decorated with ribbons in the school colors. She wore clothes in the school colors, and her smile rivaled even the cheerleader's smiles.

She lined up with the other students. She 'listened' to the band practicing right beside her. She clapped and hooted, and she walked around the entire football field with her peers.

The world shifted that evening, and I hope it never goes back.



Today I am thankful for a day off from work - a day when the laundry is done and the house is clean - a true day off!